I heard about my loss at 11pm while I was at a friend’s two hours from where I live with my husband. I had to get home to him, get my transport arrangements sorted to get back to my family, pack, and try to get some rest before leaving to go home to my family all in the space of seven hours. The only reason that I did not have sex was because of the time, but my libido went through the roof.
My mind is what you might call overactive, or at the very least easily distracted. Even during sex my mind wanders onto random things. There are only two moments where my mind cannot be distracted without major effort on someone else’s part: when I am having an orgasm or in subspace. Herein lies my reaction to sex the last fortnight. I have been rather needy for sex, and of course I have snuggled and been intimate, but I have not wanted slow, romantic lovemaking. What I have wanted is the intensity of D/s lovemaking or D/s fucking.
My husband is also grieving and his initial reaction was not sexual. But my desire felt so strong that I even considered contacting my old Dom, James, for sex, or asking hubby if I could have a session with him, or somehow pursue a sexual situation in some way. But, this would have been damaging and destructive. Being intimate with James would have been a short-term fix for a long-term problem and the fix would have caused a whole heap of other problems. I am grieving, I am not capable of making decisions that will affect my future and I have to recognize that. Luckily I did realize that! I also realized that sex was not a need in the short term, but also that it was perfectly fine to want nothing more than to be dominated to the extent that I could find calm in a subspace. But that had to happen within my existing safe and happy relationship structure.
Last night my husband and I had sex again for the first time since our loss. It was the first time we both felt comfortable with what the other wanted and needed. It was romantic, gentle, soft, kind, loving, and involved him giving me commands. I didn’t reach a subspace but I had wonderful orgasms as he came down my throat, my mind and my body and my heart were free with the person I love. Performing sexual acts while grieving should not be something to be ashamed of, but it somehow seems to be seen as such by many.
As people we are physical, mental, and if you think that way also spiritual beings. In order to be complete people our hearts, our bodies, and our minds need to be connected. We need to be able to release our energy in the ways we need to in order to find balance again. A major hole in my world has been made, my balance has been broken and it feels like hell. I am having nightmares, my appetite is off whack, my brain feels like sludge and I burst into hysterics at random times, but at other times everything feels like nothing has happened. I know this is all normal. I am in the early stages of grief, it will take a long time to process what has happened. There will be many changes to my needs and desires. I need to be gentle on myself. I need to let my energies come out because bottling them up will lead to disaster. If some of these are sexual energies and involve begging my husband to fuck my mouth then that is necessary too.
This post vaguely meets the prompt for the Thirty Days of Kink meme, Day 30: Whatever BDSM/kink related thing you want to write about.